I began writing entries in 2020 (The top) and they go down to the most recent.
Finding Meaning
I read something on Facebook that had me thinking. What I took from it is that instead of wishing the year 2020 didn’t happen, we think about everything that this year has taught us like that tough things make us stronger, and that people can stick together through times of sickness, change, uncertainty, violence, and so many different emotions that people are feeling.
There are so many awful things that take place and it’s difficult to understand why they happen. “Why” is something many people find themselves asking often. Sometimes it takes a very long time, if ever, to understand why something happened. Since we can’t change the situation, what we can do is allow it to make us stronger. It is not easy, I know.
Trying to find meaning about my Mom passing away from Leukemia at the young age of 52, is the hardest thing I’ve ever needed accept, and the grieving process is different for everyone. I continue to go through the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The stages happen in no specific order and definitely switch off at different times.
NAMI
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI,) is a place that I plan to volunteer once the Pandemic is over. Months back I did their Peer-To-Peer group, which needed to be done virtually due to everything going on. It was 8 weeks long (one time each week.) We learned about Mental Health Conditions, along with talking about things we want to accomplish, goals, and so much more. I had many thoughts during the class. I thought about how I need to face my fears in order to accomplish my dreams. I thought about my goals, along with wanting to help others and make a difference in the world. I want to feel better about myself and not be so hard on myself. We talked about what “recovery” means to us. Basically, I feel that Recovery isn’t just “Oh good, I’m all better now!” I feel it’s getting back up when we fall, and learning more from it each time. Maybe there isn’t a “recovery” at all. Maybe the goal isn’t about recovering. Maybe it’s just about learning to accept and live with the fact that we have a mental health condition and that is okay. What we do with that is what matters. Those who have a physical illness can still live a productive life the same as people with an emotional illness.
For more information on NAMI, visit: NAMI.org
Two Wolves
For many years, I concentrated on the negative emotions that I was feeling and told myself that I didn’t have control over the way I was thinking. “I’m angry and I, nor anyone else, can change the way I’m feeling,” I thought. This Cherokee Legend about Two Wolves, gave me quite a bit of insight, that maybe I have a little more control over myself than I thought.
Two Wolves
A Cherokee Legend
One evening a wise old Cherokee grandfather told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside him.
He said, “My grandson, it is between two wolves. One is evil: angry, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The grandfather simply replied, “The one I feed.”
Being YOU Is Enough
Society says that people should have school completed and a career at this age, get married and have children at this age, and the list goes on… Sometimes people forget that we are all different. We do things at our own pace, and that is perfectly fine. It’s okay for one person to finish college at 22 and another person at 62. We are all individuals and do things at our own pace.
My husband and I were together for many years before we became engaged, and then several more years before we got married. He and I were constantly being asked when we were getting married. When we did get married, I remember being asked at our wedding when we would be having children.
Remember: Be yourself and know that life isn’t about keeping up with everyone else. Being YOU is enough.
“Never compare your journey with someone else’s. Your journey is your journey, not a competition.”
Will This Still Bother Me
“Will this still bother me in a day, week, month, or year?” Probably not!
Sometimes things happen, for example, I might feel as if I embarrassed myself. At that very moment, we feel like the awful feeling will never go away. Then it does. The next thing happens and new feelings arise. This is okay!
Also, someone once told me that you might say or do something and it makes another person think poorly of you. Eventually, as you begin acting differently, people will begin to think less about the past behaviors and see your new behaviors. How you are NOW is what people will remember.
Accomplishments
This is something that I wrote in my journal on August 16th, 2019, that I would like to share…
My husband Rob and I celebrated our five year wedding anniversary. Rob is a great man and I am a very lucky and blessed woman.
I feel that passing my certification exam to become a ‘Certified Peer Support Specialist’ let alone getting an A on it, was a very big accomplishment for me. My Mom would tell me, “Stephanie, you can do anything you put your mind to.” I’ve always had it in my head that I am not capable of learning, comprehending, and so on. I have always believed that something was wrong with me. I would think, “What is wrong with me? I can’t do it! I need others to do things for me because I’m not capable.” I have proven myself to be incorrect. I’ve realized something that I had never realized before. Others don’t understand everything. Others make mistakes. I am unique and that is a good thing. We are all unique.
No Quick Fix
I’ve always thought that there was a quick fix to feeling better; that “magic” word that someone says to me, or that “perfect” thing that happens and forever changes my life. “I’m all better now,” I thought I would say. The thing in life is that it doesn’t work like that.
Wayne Dyer said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” I am not saying that it is easy; however, I have learned that Wayne Dyer definitely has a point and it is an important message. Sayings also aren’t “magical fixes,” though I personally have found them helpful in my life.
ABC Please (DBT)
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT,) developed my Dr Marsha Linehan, is something that truly saved my life. I will be talking about it more in future Blog entries and in my Motivation section. DBT is very dear to my heart because the skills were lifechanging and lifesaving for me. ABC PLEASE is one of my favorites.
Emotional Regulation Skills ✭ ABC PLEASE Overview
How to increase positive emotions and reduce vulnerability to Emotional Mind
A: Accumulating positive experiences. Layer as many into your day as you can! Take an extra moment to cuddle the cat, listen to songs or podcasts that lift your mood, or take a day trip to someplace fun/inspiring. Short term do things that are possible now. Long term- make changes in your life so that positive events will happen more often in the future. Build a “life worth living.”
B: Building Mastery. Do things that make you feel competent and effective to combat helplessness and hopelessness. Before sleep, make a list of the things you did well.
C: Cope ahead of time with emotional situations. Rehearse a plan ahead of time so you are prepared to skillfully cope with a difficult situation.
PL: Treat physical illness. This includes attending regular doctor appointments and resting when you need rest.
E: Balanced eating. Unbalanced blood sugar is not your friend when working towards increased calm & balanced emotions.
A: Avoid mood altering drugs. While (sometimes) rewarding in the short term, generally mood altering drugs create more instability and reduced coping skills in the long term.
S: Get balanced sleep.
E: Get exercise. Regular exercise helps lift mood, decrease stress, and prevent a host of health issues.
-From DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller
Fear
Sometimes I’m so afraid that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing, make a mistake, and so on, that I don’t even try. There have been times when my anxiety has been so high that I’m afraid of everything. There have also been many times when I surprise myself. I’ll face a fear, and feel so very proud. I love the quote “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
–Susan Jeffers
Although at first I’m afraid to face a fear, the proud feeling that I feel afterwards, makes facing that fear worth it. I love the quote “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” –Franklin D. Roosevelt
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Yes, sometimes we do fall, AND sometimes we fly!!!
Making Changes
The definition of Insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I am not thrilled with that definition, or that term in itself for that matter, but I won’t get into that right now. “Things will be different this time” is something that I’ve told myself over and over again throughout the years. “If I do this SAME thing that I’ve done so many times before, I’ll get a better result THIS TIME.”
A personal example is “If I attempt to take myself off of my medication, this time it will be different and I’ll show myself that I don’t really need to be on it.” Each time, I became extremely depressed and promised myself I would never do that again. Then after a while, I did the same thing. It’s been a couple of years since I have attempted to take myself off of my medication, it just sometimes takes me a few times (or more) of doing something and getting the same results, to finally learn what I shouldn’t do.
Another example is making a plan that I will do something every day, such as going on a bike ride. It’s always difficult at first, and then as I start doing it every day, it gets easier. I’ll then think because it’s getting easier, I can stop for a while. I then get back on the bike and it is just as difficult as it was the first time. When it comes to getting results with anything, you need to be consistent. I’ll plan to do a task every day, and then for the first few days I’ll follow through, and then after that I’ll just stop, yet believe that I’ll still get the same results, and realistically, it needs to be consistent and I need to do it every day.
Different people say different amounts of time, but recently I heard a speak say that it takes approximately 21 days for something to become a habit, and approximately the same to break a habit. If we only try to change something for a few days, it’s not going to work. Change is definitely not easy to do. Until we try for ourselves, though, we’ll never know if it’s possible.
You Got This
There have been times when I’ve given up on things I’ve started (a job, hobby, having a difficult conversation and many others) because it was too hard and I didn’t think I could do it. I had a lot of negative self-talk going on. On a more serious note, there have also been times when I have thought about ending my life because it began to feel like such a scary place and I didn’t think I had the strength to get through the situation, depression, and strong emotions I was feeling. At the time, these situations and emotions made me feel like giving up was my only option. It is nice to be able to say that I am STILL here. Yes, there are times I give up on things, and there are times when suicide still crosses my mind, however, I get through it every time, and in the end, I come out stronger. I can honestly say that when I get through tough times, I feel so good about myself. Accomplishing something that we thought we couldn’t, is the best feeling ever. I’ve come this far, and you have as well! No matter what tough situation you are trying to get through, you got this! I believe in you.
IMPORTANT: If you are having thoughts of suicide, please tell someone. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking with a family member or friend, you can contact:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Crisis Text Line:
Text HOME to 741-741
https://www.crisistextline.org/
Lifeline Crisis Chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Resources:
https://www.dbsalliance.org/crisis/suicide-hotline-helpline-information/
If this is an emergency, please call 911 or go to a hospital.
The Next Best Thing
Our minds are an interesting thing. We all have our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. All of us have choices when something occurs. I will give one of so many examples that I have to choose from. Okay, so I was feeling depressed and I wanted to just lay in bed and sleep, so I wouldn’t need to feel the sadness. Sleeping is one option. I can also do something to try to distract and get my mind off of the depression by doing something different. I decided to first go for a jog. After my jog, I began to have a little different outlook about my situation. I still felt a little depressed, and continued to keep busy for the continuation of the evening. Instead of going to sleep and not getting anything done, I accomplished a lot. No matter what we are thinking or feeling, we always have choices on where we go from there. Someone once told me to always do the next best thing. As much as we may want, we can’t change the past. We might have said something to someone that we wish we hadn’t said. We can’t change the fact that we said what we did, however, we can choose where to go from here. We can choose to do the next best thing. We can also be effective by not doing anything to make the situation worse. This is certainly not an easy process. The more I practice, it does get a little bit easier. I always have to stay on top of it and remind myself over and over again to do what I can do to get the best outcome.
Not All Days Are Wonderful
Plain and simple, some days just suck! Some days it helps to have a long cry. We don’t want to stay stuck and take a downward spiral, however it is okay to give yourself some time. Sometimes when I think about the passing of my Mom, Grandma, and Others, I just need to take some time to grieve. Sometimes I feel very strong emotions. I was once told to take a little bit of time (let’s say 10 minutes.) Scream… Cry… Punch a pillow… And then do the next best thing for you. I am totally aware that these things are much easier said than done. Remember though, it is possible. We have more control over ourselves and often our outcomes than we think we do.
Life Changes
I love sayings, and this one really had me thinking. I’m not sure why, but it really hit home to me. I’m sure people will have mixed views on the accuracy of this one. I also believe that there are exceptions to every rule. From personal experience though, this has proven to be true for me. An example is being afraid to return to school. Nothing can change until I make a decision whether or not to return, and once I do decide, my life will go in that direction.
Choices
We have choices to make. I have a tendency to begin doing something for a while and it becomes habit, such as exercising. If I stop doing it for a while, it is extremely difficult to begin doing it again. When I do start again, it becomes a ritual. I think this is partially because I lose my confidence and feel like I can’t do it. This is especially true when I go through a period of time with my depression being really bad. I’ve noticed for me, sometimes I need to just jump right back into it. This definitely applies to my writing. I stop writing for a little while, and when I first take out my pen and paper again, I feel like I forgot how to write. I then begin writing, and it’s like I never stopped. Everything comes back to me. We can take advice from others, however, ultimately it’s our choices that shape and define our lives.
Coping Skills
Sometimes when we fall into a deep depression, it’s easy to stop doing things that we’ve previously enjoyed. For me, writing is my passion. I am always journaling, working on my website and book, etc. When I began not having the motivation to write, and other things l love like organizing, taking walks, and even laughing, when I stopped for a period of time, it was a major warning sign that something wasn’t right. Not wanting to leave my bed is also a big warning sign. I made a plan for myself on ways I can cope when things are difficult. These are just some coping skills that work for me. Do what works for you!
- Reading Motivational Quotes
- Watching Motivational Videos
- Listening to Motivational Music
- Using Skills
- Contributing to Others
- Trying to find meaning out of things that happen
- Driving Places (Even when it causes anxiety)
- Organizing
- Working On A Craft
It also helps me to think about what I am grateful for. Life is far from easy. There are so many obstacles and hurdles to jump over. Lots of waves to ride, even when we don’t think we can. Many times things happen that we have no control over, and that can be so very frustrating. Try to remember that you got this! I’ve learned that the biggest struggles are the ones that ultimately make us stronger. I have to admit, it sucks for a while, and most of the time it’s worth it in the end.
Valentine’s Day
I’ve always wanted a Pug and my Hubby doesn’t want a pet. For Valentine’s Day he bought me a Pug… Well… A stuffed animal Pug. Close enough lol. Sometimes it bothers me that I won’t be having children or a pet. Then I think about how that just wouldn’t fit into our lifestyle and I am happy with the way Rob and I live. I also love Rob so much and I feel like sometimes you need to give a little and take a little.
Acceptance
Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT) says: There are 4 options for dealing with painful problems=
- Solve the problem
- Change How You Feel (Reframing Thoughts)
- Accept It
- Stay Miserable
Something happened to me that I cannot stop thinking about. I wish I would have handled the situation differently and I have been ruminating over it for days. I finally realized that by thinking about this over and over, all day long, I am staying miserable. I am also the only person that I am hurting. I don’t want to feel miserable, however, by doing what I am doing, it is how I’m going to feel. It’s not fair what happened and I am certainly not happy about it, however, in order for me to move forward, I need to accept. Marsha Linehan says that “the only way out of hell is acceptance.” I feel as if I’ve been in hell for days, and I finally feel ready to take the steps to “get out of hell.” It is tough work to accept and move forward, and I can honestly say that once you do, you get a sense of relief. It sucks to feel so awful, however, there is another way. Robert Frost says “The only way out is through.” I am telling myself the same thing I am telling you: You got this! Everything will be okay! Keep fighting! THINGS are always changing. The WORLD is always changing. WE are always changing. The only constant in life is change. Neither good, nor bad, will last forever. With that, I will choose to move forward.
Breaking The Cycle
Just because something feels uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean we have to give it the power, that ultimately holds us back. There is so much I want to do presently, and the most difficult part for me is getting started. I worry so much about making a mistake/not doing something correctly, that it scares me enough to hold me back and prevent me from accomplishing that goal. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and then they learn from them. If we don’t ever try, we won’t learn. I tell myself “Tomorrow I’ll begin writing a blog entry, an article for the NAMI newsletter, or my book.” “Tomorrow I’ll begin going to the Gym.” “Tomorrow I’ll begin not being so hard on myself.” Tomorrow then becomes tomorrow and it pushes it back another day. I want to take my power back! What better day to start than today? Is getting started scary? For me- Absolutely! I am going to put my fears aside because they are not working for me. It is not bringing me to the place I want to be. Even writing about facing fears and making changes is causing some anxiety. I know I’ll never truly be happy until I make these changes. I know deep down, though, that I can do this.
Putting A Plan Into Place
Someone recently told me some techniques that can help us physically and emotionally
Diet: What, When, How
Relaxation Examples: Walking, Crafts, Writing, and More
Routine: Make a schedule/Time Table
Thought Process: No negative self-talk, Changing negative into positive, Write 10 positive things daily, Make a gratitude list
The Work: Letting go of the past